Adversity is a universal truth. As part of our human experience, we can't escape or run from it. Yet, when we are met with adversity, we are also offered an opportunity. So often, moments of adversity can become defining points in our lives and our character as we're allowed the opportunity to determine how we will respond in the face of those challenges. Over the years, I've gathered a few tools into my toolbox that have helped me learn how to extend grace and understanding to others in the face of challenging circumstances, and today I would like to share with you a few practical tips and tricks as I walk through a quick step-by-step guide. Of course, I don't claim to be an expert, and heaven knows I get it wrong sometimes, but I can offer a few things that have helped me along the way.
There are a couple of important things to remember when considering what it means to show grace to others. Those are 1) the fact that showing grace doesn't always happen during easy moments, often it is necessary during challenging situations, and 2) showing grace is not always about the other person. It's not about whether or not the other person "deserves grace," frankly, they may not. Still, you deserve the peace and the calm that can be experienced by being a person who is willing to show grace across different types of circumstances.
Now, that doesn't make it easy to do, and it doesn't always make everything better. However, when I think about the type of person I would like to be, I know that I would like to be a person who's willing to show grace, even when it is difficult.
First, let's break down what it means to show grace. I like to define showing grace as the willingness to show up and leave whatever baggage there might be at the door, at least for the moment, and to be willing to engage in an authentic conversation and experience with another person. To extend compassion and understanding and not let bitterness be the needle and thread piercing and weaving its way through the entire conversation.
Before we continue, it is important to pause here for a moment to offer a point of clarity: showing grace does not mean being a doormat, and it does not mean stifling emotions. It does not mean neglecting yourself to afford comfort to others. Today we're here to talk about how to be authentic and assertive while showing grace.
For me, one of the first hints that I need to consider how I can show up with grace and understanding is when I hear this question ringing in my head:
How am I even supposed to do this?
"This" can be a phone call, a meeting, an interaction, a meal, a party, you name it. When I begin to ask myself that question, the answer is often the same:
With grace.
As soon as my internal cues have posed the "how am I even supposed to do this" question, I know right away that it is time for Step 1.
Step 1: Return to Center
As a start, I know that I can't respond to anyone in any sort of positive way if I am off-center or out of balance. Feeling off-center can feel like panic, feeling frantic, feeling frazzled, and other similar high emotions. Feeling centered, for me, feels like calm breathing and manageable thoughts. Some ways that I try to find balance that may work for you are taking deep breaths, talking with a loved one, taking a walk, watching a funny video, or a hug. Once I've centered myself, I can begin to move forward, and it's on to step two.
Step 2: Tap into a Trusted Circle
The twists and turns of life are so much easier to bear with a trusted circle to lean on. For me, this circle has been built by fostering relationships of trust and authenticity. If you're looking to grow your trusted circle, start by connecting with people who align with your goals and vision. Spend time cultivating relationships. When the rubber meets the road, your safety net will be there to help you navigate difficult chapters of your story. They will also be the ones by your side as you celebrate the victories along the way.
It is connection that helps us through and makes complicated, difficult experiences bearable. When faced with a situation where I'm looking to tap into and respond with grace, connecting with my trusted circle helps me refocus on my vision and intentions. They are the people that remind me of truths in moments of doubt. I can be candid and open in our conversations, knowing that they will respond in grace and love. In turn, this allows me to move forward with those same characteristics.
Step 3: Assume Positive Intent
If you have noticed that the first components of showing grace to others are more about ourselves than the other person, then you've already solved half of the mystery at this point. Step three is no exception: it is more about you and your mindset than it is about anyone else's.
In scenarios that call for an exercise of grace, assuming positive intent can make all of the difference. I like to operate in the belief that all of us (or most of us, anyway) are doing the best we can. We all come to the table with our own knowledge, experience, and perspective, and those things impact how we show up in the world. Allowing a measure of compassion and understanding can help us stand tall when we want to shrink.
Step 4: Be Authentic
Let's bust a myth right now. It is a common belief among some people that showing grace and understanding means "faking it" or ignoring feelings. We've already addressed that train of thought above, but I believe it bears repeating:
Showing grace does not mean being inauthentic.
I believe that everyone is better served when people show up with authenticity. It is possible to hold boundaries, communicate clearly, assert needs, and do so with grace, understanding, and compassion. A mantra that I often used during my time in the classroom (and beyond) that helps me remember this truth is; no blame, no shame, no excuses.
In a practical way, this means that I am not going to place blame, I am not going to place shame, and I am also not going to accept excuses. Together, in a place of understanding and compassion, we can have a peaceful conversation, discuss what took place, and move forward with a resolution. Did you notice the part where I said to "fake it"? Me neither.
My hope in sharing these few points is that we can all step into our conversations with increased understanding and grace for each other. I hope that I can meet others where they are and that, in turn, others will meet me where I am in my journey. I like to imagine a world where we can all be understanding of one another, a world where we can appreciate different insights, perspectives, and wisdom. And I'd like to do my small part to make that world a reality.