This evening I’d like to make a case for why we should “spill the beans” and how we can react when we do.
Tonight I sit in a hotel room, the twinkling lights of downtown Philadelphia sparkling outside of my window, the scene backed by the soundtrack of a low-volume TV and muffled voices walking up and down the hallway. So far from home, I can’t help but be reflective.
I can’t help but reflect on how little space for gratitude and grace I have allowed into my life lately.
I could blame it on stress, I’ve had my fair share lately.
I could blame it on home renovations.
I could blame it on work transitions.
I could blame it on a whole host of things, and those things wouldn’t be wrong.
But, the truth of it is that I have just been thankless.
I have been stressed, snappy, crabby, grumpy, ornery -- whatever you want to call it.
And regardless of how valid those feelings and experiences may be, in short, it just isn’t a good look.
Earlier tonight I sat at a restaurant near Rittenhouse square. I had an incredible meal with delightful company. And boy, was my heart convicted.
From course to course, which began with delicious calamari and ended with a de-lectable peanut butter dessert, I began to see a picture in my mind of how I have approached the ups and downs of the last few months with increasing clarity.
And I can’t say that I loved what came into focus.
While I should be filled with gratitude, I have been filled with bitterness.
While I should act out of compassion, I have acted out of rash emotion.
While I should be a blessing to those around me, I have been an anchor.
As clear as day I could see how immensely fortunate I am for the unfolding of this latest season of life. I have a beautiful home filled with peace. Every day I wake up next to the person I love more than life itself. I make my way downstairs accompanied by the click-clack of my favorite senior beagle paws. I slip outside to breathe in the fresh air and appreciate my quiet neighborhood on multiple daily walks. What, out of anything in this picture, could there be to complain about?
I have more opportunity for growth now than ever before.
More opportunity to cultivate patience.
More opportunity to invite understanding.
I can’t help but think to myself,
why have I not been taking advantage of this season?
The thing about growth is that it never arrives without its constant companion, pain. And when that iconic pair comes to stay, growing-pains, perspective takes a hike.
It can be so easy to lose perspective.
To lose the forest in the midst of the trees.
And perhaps that is where I have been.
Wandering through the trees screaming about how I can’t find the forest.
This short trip feels a bit like taking a step back from the thick of the forest. Which leaves me with a beautiful view of the treeline and a better understanding and perspective on how to move forward.
I could continue on the path I’ve been walking. I could continue to isolate and rail against the stresses of this chapter. Where would that leave me?
(Nowhere good, I can tell you that much.)
That isn’t who I want to be. I am grabbing hold of this long-lost-recently-reclaimed picture of perspective and I think it is time for a change.
For starters, this thankless heart has got to go.
In its place?
Grace, gratitude, and connection.
Do you know what helps with perspective? Connecting with others. Getting out of our own headspace. Rather than focusing on all of the things that I have going on in my life, I need to spend time pouring into others. I need to be available to my loved ones, neighbors, community, and coworkers. This naturally will lead to a path of gratitude and increased measures of kindness.
Next, after the heart-reset, it is time to reconnect with the best version of myself.
When I think about that woman, my best self, a very clear picture and specific memory comes to mind.
One Saturday, my fiance and I were planning to watch a soccer game with friends. I spent the afternoon in the kitchen cooking homemade beans. I curled my hair, but on a cute outfit, and felt beautiful. We loaded up the car and with beans on my lap began the short ride to our friends house. It didn’t take but a stoplight or two for my delicious beans to cover my lap, ruining my outfit. I remember looking at my lap and over to my fiance.
“No big deal, it’s only spilled beans!”
I love this story for a few reasons:
I was doing something to serve others. It made me happy to cook beans and take a side dish to our friend’s home.
I was connecting with others. I wasn’t isolated and self-focused.
I took the time to look nice, which always makes me feel better.
Most importantly
4. When the beans spilled, I wasn’t upset, I was patient, accepting, and laughed it off. It didn't ruin our night in the slightest!
If I think about who I want to be all of the time, that’s the woman I see. One who is serving and giving to others, nurturing herself, and rolls with the curveballs (or stoplights) that come her way.
Thinking back, I feel so proud of that woman. And I want to reconnect with her.
As I look down toward the city streets below, I want to say, Philly, thank you for this reset. For this chiropractic attitude adjustment. For the cannolis and the pretzels. For the beautiful meal I enjoyed last night. For taking me out of the woods and helping me see the forest again.
Most of all, thank you for reminding me of who I want to be.
I think I will go home and spill some beans.
(No thank you for the humidity though. This ever-present mist isn’t working with my hair very well as my hairspray was confiscated by TSA…)