Today I’d like to make a case for disappointment and talk about how it shapes us and how we can respond.
Keep right on scrolling by if you don’t want to talk about something that stings today.
Disappointment is something that, within the experience of our people-ship, can’t be bypassed; it is a universal part of our humanity.
Disappointment can take many shapes and forms: failed relationships, missed promotions, “we went a different direction” emails, dinner burning on the stove, a favorite piece of clothing becoming worn out. Disappointment is a shapeshifter that knows the most intimate parts of our spirits, continually seeking to rob us of our joy.
Yeah, so what’s the point?
Well, I’m writing today to tell you two things:
There are things that define you and things that do not. Someone else’s thoughts about you? They do not define you. Your clothing size? Does not define you. The money in your bank account? Nope, doesn’t define you. Your character of heart defines you. The way you treat others defines you. What you put into the universe defines you. I want to be the voice to tell you that today, in case no one else has.
We grow through what we go through. Cheesy, right? But it is true! There are many experiences that I wouldn’t want to walk through ever again. However, those experiences were the catalyst for so much growth in my life. Our growth zone and our comfort zone rarely intersect. So it would stand to reason that some of the most uncomfortable times of my life have been the times that fostered the most growth.
Ultimately, what I want you to know today is that you are not alone. Whatever disappointment you are facing, you are not alone. I am here encouraging you along the way!
So, what do we do when disappointment comes knocking? A most unwelcome guest, but hardly one that we have the luxury of turning away at the door.
A few things that have helped me in the past are:
Step One: Acknowledge.
It doesn’t matter whether the problem is “fixable” or not. Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard or thought, “well, nothing can be done about it, so…”
That sentiment may be well-meaning and valid. Maybe there is nothing that can be done. However, that does not invalidate your feeling or experience. Acknowledge, even if only to yourself, your experience. Sometimes you need a minute to be able to say “this really sucks.” Because it does. And I will sit in that space with you.
Step Two: Perspective.
Stop and breathe.Take a moment (even a quick one) to regain perspective. Speak into your own heart something that sounds like the following:
It is really upsetting that ____ happened. This is really difficult right now.
This does two things. It acknowledges that your feeling is real, which is important (see Step 1). It also serves another critical purpose. It reminds us that the experience and feelings and disappointment is a reality right now. It isn’t permanent. Right now it is a struggle to walk through this. Right now this really sucks. Right now this is hard.
This doesn’t magically wipe all of our disappointments away (and yes, some disappointments are much greater than others), but when I say this, I remind myself that whatever specific thing I am facing at the time is just that -- at this time -- and not forever.
Step Three: Connect.
It is my opinion that the worst thing that we can do in a season of sharp disappointment is to isolate ourselves. I say this as an introvert, so this step isn’t easy for me. However, when we let others into our experience we allow them to pour into our lives and offer us their experience, strength, and hope. Now, this isn’t to say that we should just unload our disappointments on everybody all of the time, but reaching out to a close friend, confidante, or mentor can make all the difference in removing feelings of isolation and loneliness. Too often I will internalize and personalize my disappointments.This sends me into a whirlwind of a shame spiral that spits me out with nothing but emotional vertigo. Let someone into the corners of your heart that are crowded with cobwebs of disappointment and let them shine the light of truth and perspective.
As we each go toe to toe with disappointment in our life, know that you are not alone. I’ll share in that with you.
One of my favorite quotes, attributed to George Eliot, goes as follows:
A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one’s heart
Chaff & grain together
Knowing that gentle hands will take it
& sift it
Keep what is worth keeping
And with a breath of kindness
Blow the rest away.
I’m here to be your breath of kindness today. Disappointment is unavoidable. Your experiences are valid. With resiliency and love, we can overcome the buffeting winds. We don’t need to walk alone. I can’t remove the blow of disappointment from anyone’s life, but perhaps something above resonated with you, and perhaps a listening ear can lessen the sting.
All my love.